WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is