*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?