*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.