*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?