*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life