Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
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Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Basketball
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.