Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.