Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

My kitchen overserved me.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you