Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

cause of death:
autopsy.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

not for long

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

A little too much information.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat