WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop