Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
The devil.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
everyone has that one prude friend
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*