Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix