woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
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If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
*pronounces patio like ratio
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher