Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line