WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
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If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse