WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
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Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
what does he know…
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.