Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
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Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.