Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

brian had himself a morning…

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

Note to self: always read the final line

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

When he asks for feet pics

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”