Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
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Support your local cemetery
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Duolingo getting serious.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
smartest karate player in the world
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*