Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
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I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)