Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus