Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
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I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Whisper out to librarians!
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster