Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Sorry not sorry.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?