Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.