Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
![]()
You Might Also Like
I would like even faster food.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.