Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

welp

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?