Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
pelicons
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?