Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

😭😭

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.