Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.