Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

Meow?

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.