Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
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I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!