Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Meow
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
