“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
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“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
so this horse walks into a bar
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise