“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
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My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
#Caturday
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me