Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
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Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Basically, any European coat of arms:
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?