Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
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LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
i think both sides are to blame here
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*