Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
You Might Also Like
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first