Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
You Might Also Like
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Beauty and the Beast
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?