Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
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I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I can’t stop laughing at this
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.