Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
You Might Also Like
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet