Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.