Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
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*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes