Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

See..?

.

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.