Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
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I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Your honor these allegations are
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year