Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
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Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
The legends were true
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Best spoiler warning ever
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Rude much 😂😂😂
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight