Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
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do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
You better wish for more oil
Boom, boom, ching!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…