Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
You Might Also Like
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.