Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
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older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space