@notenoughwine: Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you
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@blondecalamity: A) I don't care who is stalking my twitter B) I don't care who is saying terrible things about me C) I don't care - OH! Free iPad??? *click*
@NewDadNotes: Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks? Me: how? by sitting on them? lol. Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.