Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
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Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920