Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

What happened to the other hiker??!