Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

Storm Tropical Storm

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

me after i passed that state trooper

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!