Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

Ha

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

That’s what I call a flat tire

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.