Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
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ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Day 2 of my diet
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.