Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
