Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
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*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I’m calling the cops.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Sign of the day..
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again