Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
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When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Think I pulled my liver
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.