Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
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Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.