Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
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I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.