Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered