Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
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*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
time for some seasonal decor
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now