Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.