Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Only Americans understand

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…