Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?