Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
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Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute