Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep