Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
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Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
me 2 months after i graduated
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Me driving through Toronto
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee