Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

ㅤ

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.