Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
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A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.