Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
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Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
