Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not