Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
You Might Also Like
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
That stupid look on my face, is my face
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.