women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
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*eats only grass-fed donuts
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40