women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
You Might Also Like
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Sing it!
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.