women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.